Bering Sea Gold - Episode 5- Captaincy - Recap - Carlo Zakers

Zeke and Emily

As this episode starts, we learn a little bit more about Zeke, and his attitude towards gold dredging “the only thing that’s ever really come close to exciting me in my whole life”.. Thanks Zeke.. That truly helps me understand what a pitiful life this poor guy has led up to now.. But more on that later..

The show runs through a brief synapse of all the miners(?) / dredgers(?) / idiots(?) griping about what a poor summer this has been for gold!.. but thank goodness for this.. As all their problems lead us straight down a gold bricked road to TV nirvana! .. And this was the best episode yet, with people and stuff breaking down everywhere!..

And by the way.. I hadn’t noticed that catchy theme song at the start before!.. But then, it is most puzzling that the last line of it ends up being “I heard that there’s gold in these HILLS!”.. Ummm... am I missing something here.. Isn’t this is a show about gold in the SEA?.. .. Just sayin’.. .. But anyway, it is sung in a nice
washed up, David Coverdale like Bering Sea Delta style that should please most any appetite, and it is definately the best intro music I have heard (noticed?) in a long time!..

Monster-Man

.. enter the nastiest, meanest, gruffest, rudest, and all around most unlikeable man in the world.. Scott Meisterheim! (who may accidentally be called Scott Monster-heim at some point in this review).. we already know that he owes so much child support for his two pre-teen daughters that if he doesn’t make a small
fortune this mining season, he is going to jail for a longgggg time!.. in reality, this would actually be the best place for him to be, by far.. but for now he is loose on the streets and waters of Nome, Alaska, along with his crappy boat, the “Wild Ranger”. But here we are allowed a touching glimpse into his relationship with his daughters!.. “my daughters love me unconditionally!..” .. (I could just imagine the conditions he put on them for that to happen!) .. from the tone of his voice, I could truly imagine him beating each one of them into submission in order to teach them what “unconditional love” truly meant .. but I regress..

With his nasty disposition, it is hard to believe he can get anyone to work with him!.. one of the earlier episodes showed him wishing worker Steve Reidel would drown while mining underwater, rather than have to so much as look at him ever again.. So far he has never thrown him off the boat and left him in the middle of the ocean, but I fully expect him to any episode now.. .. this is a nasty, NASTY man, and one I would NEVER get on a boat with... ever!!!!..

.. but anyway, Steve has taken to talking back, contradicting, and arguing with this monster-meister.. Ignoring his texts and phone calls, and strolling into work whenever he feels like it.. pretty much knowing that the s**t is going to hit the fan whenever he shows up! so on this day, when monster-man is already in a badddd mood, Steve shows up unexpectedly, and finds Scott right in the middle of a gold refining session. . Scott is breaking the golden rule of mining ... harvesting the vessel’s gold haul without the full crew present!... Steve is pissed, because he feels that part of the gold is his! .. Scott putting him back in his place, reminding him in not so many words, that he is just a f**cking tenderfoot! (his words, not mine).. so Steve backs down, and monster man stomps off, completely irritated at his idiot crew and the meager grains of gold he ever finds!

... next we learn about a phenomenon called “anti-thrust”, whereby a faulty panel on the sluice box can cause the boat to start turning in circles above the diver, dropping all the “tailings”, (umm... big rocks).. on the diver’s head!... not good!.. especially when guys like Scott Foster, who like to “solo dive”, are under water all by themself, with no one else in the boat above!.. the boat clearly is a big piece of s**t .. constantly breaking down and on the mend, and causing friction between Scott and Ian ..

.. The next section is the best yet!.. we switch back to poor Zeke.. who lives with Emily in a little tent on the beach... constantly in each other’s faces and on each other’s nerves .. and who are getting to hate each other more and more every day! .. Zeke can’t sleep with all that gold out there, and they go out for a 2:00 am dive .. it is still daylight in Alaska at that time.. which is good because we get a good look at Zeke’s helper Emily .. altho it is touching to learn that she needs this money to go to school in Austria to sing opera, the truth of the matter is that she is a totally useless klutz!.. (altho slightly hot) .. you may remember a couple of episodes back, when she took her first dive and got her arm stuck in the suction hose? ... uh huh ... well.. she starts out this trip, by falling in the 40 degree water as she attempts to drop the anchor!.. ummm... i am sure Zeke was gritting his teeth as he doled out HIS dry clothes he had brought to her, and you know the delay was driving him crazy as she dried, dressed, put her hair up in a towel.., Emily further demonstrates her uselessness by getting seasick, and soon hinting that she wanted to go back to shore, thus ending their planned 10 hour dive about 9 hours early?.. I don’t think Zeke was hip to this intimation, as he soon became as enraged and irritated as I have ever seen him.. his head was about to blow off just like monster-man’s was earlier, and it reminded me of a big boiled radish!.. but she just doesn’t get it ... that he really doesn’t even need her at all! .. but we, as the audience.. Do get it..

.. but now, we get to the biggest dumbsh*ts in the entire ocean! (sea?)... the huge Christine Rose.. .. instead of diving, they have a huge shovel / frontloader on the front of their rig... and not only do they dig out dirt from the ocean floor, they also use it to propel their boat.. dipping the bucket in the water from side to side, like a primitive form of rowing.. ... these guys consistently pull in payloads of $150,000 or more a DAY with this contraption, and they can’t afford a new 100 horsepower motor?... the boat looks funny and stupid attempting to row itself like this, and I thought it was sweet a couple episodes back when the waves pushed them back to the shore, stranding them and requiring a tow back to the dock.. IDIOTS!...

The Biggest Dumbsh*ts on the ocean

... anyway.. the co-owner Shawn Pomrenke, he of the gravelly voice and disposition, got stabbed in the back in a bar fight a few episodes ago, and now he is in serious pain!.. for some reason, his hurt back made him puke!?.. off with Shawn, (another worthless contestant bites the gold dust!), to be replaced by his dad.. Grand Poobah Steve Pomrenke and greenhorn Cody Moe.. who then ensue upon a competition, to see who can pull up the best ten buckets ... .. can someone explain why they think this requires even the slightest amount of skill?!!?!!?.. you sit on your fat butt wiggling a joystick.. you dip the bucket in... you raise the bucket out.. you dump the bucket.. umm.... ... .... .... but on the Christine Rose, this is serious business .. they wagered a $400 gold nugget on this!.. the old man wins... barely... But Cody wins his respect
.
.. back to Monster-man .. he decides Steve and fellow green-horn Jason need a “shot of reality” before they go back on the water.. Jason listens smart-assedly as Scott lays down the law.. no more second guessing... No more back talk... no nothing!... .... he then calls Steve (who lives in a beat up old bus, and seems to only eat candy bars and junk food) .. Steve had said he would be there over 4 hours ago to help with the gold refining..

I have transcribed the entire conversation from Steve’s end for you ...  “you need to listen to me, or I won’t talk to you”.. “yeah, you do” ... “no, I do” .. “ yeah” ...  “no” .. “well, that’s true.” .. “no”... and then monstermeister hangs up on him!..

.. Another hour and a half later, Steve finally shows up.. .. we learn that, to Scott, running a tight ship is.. “I tell you what to do, and you do it.. simple!” ... so they sit down for a short chat.. (my way or the highway!)” .. the “F”- bombs soon start flying... ... but fearless Steve could hold back no longer... telling monster-man what a badddd captain and leader he is... how many bad decisions he has made time and time again... even telling the caption to get out!... the captain’s head looked like it was going to blow right off from all the steam and hate spewing out of his ears and nose! .. but Steve left, and thus began, what I believe, is the greatest moment in reality television history!..

Monster-man hops in his beat up old station wagon.. and GOES LOOKING FOR STEVE, who is supposedly walking home along the road.. .. For a moment we are lef to wonder if he wa having a moment of tenderness, wanting to apologize or something?.. But then .. as the music starts ratcheting up in the background, all of a sudden, we realize.. he is going to find this guy.. and KILL him!.. not just kill.. but.. pulverize.. maim.. squash.. shoot.. suffocate, and chop off every single limb and feed it to his pirannahs!.. He is a bomb ready to go off, and his frustration only gets worse as he drives around and can’t find Steve anywhere.. realizing that he had been tricked.. And the Steve had doubled back on him!.. and had actually returned back to the house they had just came from! OH... the fury... the hell driven fury he would feel when Scott got his hands around that scrawny little bastard’s neck! ..

well.. unfortunately, the expected murder did not happen when he got back.. but something almost as good did.. . Scott tried to kick him back out of the house, but Steve refused.. Scott went out back and started punching stuff, including an old boiler.. and CUT HIS HAND all to hell! ... yes!... never in the history of television has someone deserved something more! ...

Steve decides to call his bluff, and says he won’t leave until he gets the boat owner on the phone telling him to do so!... so monster-man calls the owner, and practically BEGS him to tell Steve to leave! .. The monster goes on to further display his unique grasp of the English language when he said, “All i need .. is for you .. to tell him .. to get the f**k out! .. before i pound his f**king face in!” ... needless to say, the owner finally gives in, and Steve leaves, fired for what seems like the 100th time this season, although he should be happy he escaped with his life if you ask me!..

The episode winds down showing the miners refining their gold and cashing out.. why does the refining area for the Christine Rose remind so much of a moonshine still? .. especially touching was the final scene in the hot-tub, where they were all chilling out.. except Zeke.. who looked like he didn’t even know what the words “chill out” means!.. tight neck, face, and shoulders, you could almost hear his teeth grind as Emily laughingly told stories about all her screw-ups and their sucky lives together .. it was almost enough to make you not notice all the ..ummm .. stuff ..which seemed to be floating around in the water ... ummm ... almost ... ... what was that stuff anyway?...

And in a final coup-de-tat of her ignorance and utter uselessness, apparently Emily flips her Jeep as she attempts to drive home from the hot-tub, and, in a cliffhanger ending, we are left wondering if she is alright or not .. Knowing her, she probably messed herself up pretty good..

Love at first fight?

And thus, I can’t wait till next weeks show! .. let me know what you think... is Emily hot?.. do you think Emily and Zeke will end up ‘getting together’? are the Pomrenkes some of the dumbest pokes you have ever seen? Did you think Mad-Man was going to tear out Steve’s throat?.. do you wish he had?... .. see you all next week!... Carlo Zakers